Week 3 Post Op Photos

I'm starting to get a little overly stressed that I am done swelling and this is my final look.
My husband says I'm being neurotic and that I am still very swollen....I don't know, I go to the doctor on Thursday and will talk to her about it then.  Logically I know that post tummy tuck the swelling lasts about 6 months....at 2 months only about 60% of swelling is reduced, and I'm not even a month post op....

but, ya know, I'm not really one for patience.

Font view, 3 weeks

Left side, 3 weeks

Right side, 3 weeks

I will do a collage of my first photos, and my current ones probably tomorrow so that the progress is more noticeable.....I also think my right side looks much better than my left for some reason. :/

Going Well, Kind of

I have a funeral I have to go to on Monday.
I have 0 clothes that fit me now.
I tried to put on some pants last night to go out, and the fell off....they were my smallest pair.
I was slightly miffed, because I have nothing to wear, yes, it's a good thing, but it's also slightly frustrating when you're going to get dressed and everything falls, and is super baggy.

I have one pair of yoga pants that I can wear, well, they stay up anyway.  They are big around the waist and hips, but not enough to make it horrible.  So, for the past 2 weeks and 5 days, I have been wearing those anytime I go outside of the house.

But, I have this funeral to go to.

So my husband decided he'd take me shopping for black pants while we were out on our date last night.  We went to Old Navy because they were having a pretty amazing sale, and I ended up finding a nice pair of black pants that can be either dressed up or dressed down.  They are elastic in the waist so I can easily wear them, and as the swelling goes down they will still fit.  They are a size medium, which I was shocked about....

BUT.  While at Old Navy, I told him I was just curious as to what my current actual jean size is.
He wasn't really for me doing this, because he didn't want me to upset if the number wasn't what I expected it to be.  I explained that I understood I'm still swollen, and will remain swollen for at least another 4 weeks.  But, none of my clothes fit and I was just curious.
So, because I'm practical, I grabbed a size 16, 14, 12.  Now, my pants at home are either a 16 or a 14 (i have both bc I lost weight)....so I figured the 16 and 14 wouldn't fit me but try them on anyway I felt.  I was banking on the 12 being my fit.  Then I thought....hmmmm....just for fun, lemme grab these size 10 jeans.  Just to see how far away I am....

I went into the dressing room, and the 16 and 14 were falling off.  I put on the 12 thinking, aha, ok, my size, I'm ok with this!  I was a 12 in high school and looked GOOD.  If I'm a 12 now, after swelling I'll be about a 10 and I couldn't ask for more!

I pull up the 12s, button them, and there is about an inch gap between me and the jean button....I was confused, and thought...no...surely not.
I take them off, and slide on the pair of 10s.
They button.
There is no gap between me and them, nice and fitting.
I screamed out of the dressing room to my husband that I was getting these jeans, because they were a size ten and they FIT.  He laughed.  We got them.

The shirt is an old shirt, and pretty baggie on me, although I felt like it fit the "flowy" look, so didn't toss it out....if I wasn't wearing this shirt, I feel like it'd show how much better I'm looking...but, anyway, these are me in my size 10s.  I wore them the rest of the night, lol.

So this basically means that after all my swelling goes down in about another month (well, most of the swelling) I will be coming in at about a size 8.  Never ever in my life would I have thought that possible <3 best="" can="" clothes="" come="" cute="" decision="" definitely="" for="" garment="" have="" i="" is="" made.="" my="" nbsp="" off="" p="" pole="" so="" t="" the="" to="" tuck="" tummy="" wait="" wear="" y="">

Then I woke up this morning to having started my period, so glad I got to wear these before that happened!

Pic at the Studio

Went up to the studio tonight.  I got my Cleaner shirt in and surprised my friend with one as well.  It's a running joke at the studio that I'm Abby from Broad City, because....well, if you watch the show you get it, if not, watch the show and you will.  LOL.  

Anyway, we took the picture, and I always kind of detested taking pictures because I look so horrible and bumpy in them.  I see this one, and I was shocked.  SHOCKED.  I look.....small(ish).  I can't even describe what this picture makes me feel.....I enjoy seeing myself.  I don't feel like I look awkward or misshapen.  Dare I even say, I feel like I look slightly sexy with what is going on.  

It was a good night at the studio, got to work a bit on putting student info into the system, scanning in waivers, learned how to take payments, mark in people for classes, taking pics and video for the social media sites, and joked around with my girls.  I guess that all sounds rather boring and mundane but I enjoyed it and one of those moments where I feel less like a student and more like staff....(to be noted here I am in transition, currently labeled as "unpaid intern", I have to learn to teach all the early levels by being an assistant, learn the computer input system, be able to hold down the studio solo, etc etc).....long process but worth it.

I was a little sad watching all my fellow classmates learn new combos and work on tricks....and despite wanting to try to do some basic arm circles to feel like I did SOMETHING, I was shut down by my unicorn sisters, lol.  They (and I) know that it'll be best to wait until I get the all clear.  Hopefully that will be in a few weeks.  I'm already at 2 weeks post op and feeling good, so surely by 4 weeks I'll be able to do some basic level one stuff....or stretches...something.  

That's it.  Just wanted to share.

Post Op Photos, Week 2

I want to start out by saying that I shocked myself when I sat down and realized I am only at my 2 week post op mark.  For some reason I was thinking I was farther along.....like this was going to me by 3rd week post op.  I was pretty stressed out that I am still pretty swollen and was googling up how long it takes to see a decent amount of reduction in the swelling after a tummy tuck and convincing myself I was normal, and not going to maintain this bloated body I have currently.

I also drove myself a few times, to and from the studio.  Didn't do much other than take pictures for the social media sites and hang out with everyone.  I think this was what made me confused on my time post op....because I'm pretty much just out doing shit like normal.  On the one hand this is great, because I'm a badass and healing up nicely and don't feel like smashed ass....on the other hand it's horrible because now I'm going to be tempted to start back up with some moderate exercise sooner, because "I'm a badass and feel great".  Thank goodness my fellow pole peeps are ontop of me about this and refuse to even allow me to do arm circles (*grumbly laughter*)  I love that they don't want me to harm myself and have my down and out even longer.  It makes me feel loved.

Anyway.  The pictures.

This is my pretty little bellybutton that I am actually very much in love with.  I can't even remember the last time I had a bellybutton that was so cute and just, not saggy and deep.  So, kinda in love <3 p="">

Here is my week two post op front view.  All the marks are due to my garment, it's like wearing a bra, but all over.  From week one, I can see that my sides have gone in more, and the lower abdominal area has reduced slightly in swelling.  

Left side two week post op photo.  I have a pretty bad hematoma on this side, especially on my side boob area.  I have to work it every day to help break up the collected blood so it will distribute back correctly into my body.....no, this isn't fun.  So, again, noticeable reduced swelling in the lower abdominal area, and also in my back.  You can actually see that, yes, I do indeed have a butt, not just a back that goes straight into legs, lol.  Woooo!

Right side week two post op.  more swelling on my back on this side.  This side of my incision still has the occasional leakage, which freaks me out but I have been assured that it is fine and normal, so long as it's 1. not bright red blood and 2. doesn't smell like extreme funk (and, for the record, I have my husband smell, bc, yeah no I'm not about that life)

Incision week 2 post op.  This photo is taken while lying down.  Definitely looking better and on the mend. Makes me happy.  

Currently I am entering what they refer to as "swell hell", which is just the period in recovery where in the mornings I am not super swollen, but as the day progresses (and I overexert myself bc I'm a strong independent woman lol) I swell back up pretty badly.  This causes some pretty intense feelings, not exactly pain, but it definitely feels like my insides are trying to burst out.  Not fun.  

My husband, knowing that I am a stubborn woman and refuse to do nothing, has compromised with me.  I get to go out to the studio 3 times a week for admin stuff only, and "kinda" help with the housework (i.e. help put away clothes and help make dinner for short stints) but outside of that I have to be sitting here at the house lounging and only getting up to pee.  *my life is so fun*  but, I know it's for the best.....and it'll help avoid the night time super swells.  He loves me.  <3 nbsp="" p="">

Ok, well, that's it for now.  

Impromptu Update

Wasn't planning on doing another update so soon, but last night I was going to take a shower, and my husband stated that he could tell a bit of a change, and then insisted we do some more photos for the blog.

I kinda just want to stop right here for a moment and say that I really love this man.  I'm not really sure how many men out there would do the things that he does for me.  This goes beyond the monetary for me....yes, he provides, but it's so much more.  I had a major (elective) surgery (the elective part kinda makes it even more awesome of him, because he could've been like, no, you chose this, you deal)....and this man....he cleans the house after work.  He doesn't give me a single amount of grief that the clothes aren't done, the floors aren't swept.  He has cooked us dinner the past few nights, did the dishes, fluffed my pillows, brushed my hair, washes me in the shower while I sit, rubs my lower back, put coconut oil on my sore butt (from not pooping for a week, and then doing ALL the poo in a day).  Hell, he even said he'd help me wipe my ass if I need him too.

I could cry at how loving this man is.  How he knows I'm an emotional wreck and comes home to just stroke my arm, kiss my forehead and fix me some ice water.  Thing is, I can do stuff.  Slowly, but I can do it.  I can put away the clothes.  I can sweep the floor.  But he says no.  Rest.  My healing is infinitely more important to him than laundry or the floor.  And I feel like I put too much on his plate, him now having my job and his job and making sure I'm ok.  But he will hear nothing of the sort.

I'd like to think that most men out there would be this devoted and caring to their wives.  But the truth is, I know many aren't.  I know I have a rare man, and despite his faults and occasional fuck ups, he's an amazing, caring, devoted man.

Ok...enough with the mushy crap nobody cares about.....
These photos are one week and two days post op.

Left side (super bruised side, lol)  These bruises are HARD, and every day I have massage them so the blood will break up and disperse correctly :/  Hurts so much.  Still swollen, but you can see a small decrease.

Right side.  You can still see I'm not standing fully erect yet, but it'll happen.  

Front View, he said was most noticeable.  Sides have started to go back in, and my "buttum" has reduced drastically, which is good.  The last part of the swelling to go down will be the bottom part near my incision.  But, again, I am only one week post op, so this is good.

Lastly, we have a scar update.  I have to lay down at a slight angle after a shower for it to air dry (no towel drying).  While I lay there hubby puts a mixture of coconut oil, arnica, and vitamin e oil onto my incision (and my belly button).  It is looking better, healing well.  I think this is the biggest and most noticeable change for me.

Now, I want to add here, that I am very aware I still have stretch marks.  I'm also very aware that I am not "skinny" (and even after the swelling goes down and I am my new "normal" it will not be "skinny")   For me, this was not the point of the tummy tuck.  I weighed 180lbs going into surgery and I was thrilled to be at that weight.  After swelling and all the healing is done, my doctor says I will be hitting about 160 to 165 lbs.  This is beyond my expectations.  The point of this surgery, for me, was to be able to look in the mirror, naked, and not cry.  So I have stretch marks still?  So I can't see my bones?  I don't give a shit.  From day one of being able to remove my garment, I have been able to look at myself naked in the mirror, and you know what?  I fucking SMILE every damn time.  And THAT is why I did this. 

 

Week One Post Op

Monday was my first official week down.  I had a post op appointment with my doctor, and I had been having some serious emotional issues, so it was good that I was able to go in and talk to her.

I think my biggest emotional issue was that I weighed myself and I was higher than I was before surgery.  She explained that with all the numbing stuff the put inside my body (which contributes to the swelling as it sticks around for awhile) weight gain is normal.  Most people gain about 20 lbs, I only gained 5, so that's something I guess.

I was having a hard time with my compression garment and she told me to just button it up as far as it would go, and then leave the rest open.  But it is really painful :/  So, today I decided to double up and I am wearing a full bodysuit garment, and ontop of that the abdominal one she gave me.  I don't know why, but it has cut down on the irritation and I can clasp it closed a bit higher than before.

So, everything is looking good, and I am still swollen, REALLY swollen she said.  She said that this amount of swelling will probably last for another week or two :/  not happy about that, but she said the more I wear this tight ass compression garment the quicker it will go down.  (Oh, yeah, I was stressed that how I look now is how I will look for good.....she said no, not at all)

Here are my one week photos.

Here I am standing, front view.  I am slightly hunched over still, but really wanted a standing view.  You can clearly see I am still very swollen (and it's very hard) but you also start to get an idea of how it will look once swelling goes down.

This is my new belly button.  It's super cute and I'm in love with it.  

Left Profile pic.  Super swollen, and that bruising is quite bad.  We have to massage it nightly to help break up the blood that has accumulated there.  So the back and front will reduce more as time passes.

Right Profile pic.  This side looks so much nicer.  Still swelling, but that is normal and will go away as time passes.

I am laying down in this pic.  Drain tubes have been removed!  Nightly I put a mixture of unrefined coconut oil, vitamin e oil, and arnica gel onto my incision, that's what the shiny liquid stuff is in this picture.

More updates later :D 

Emotional Breakdown

Maybe these are a normal part of the recovery process, I'm not sure.
But I had a major emotional breakdown last night.

My husband convinced me that "for science" I should weigh myself.  Ya know, to see how much of a difference there was.  I didn't want to.  I told him that I was swollen and filled with fluids from surgery, and I was trying to be strong and NOT weigh myself until I was a  month out.  Because I get extremely fixated on the number on the scale.  It's a personal issue I know I have and I was trying to focus on recovery, not a number.

But he insisted.  So I got up there, and I was roughly 5 pounds heavier than I was the day I went in for surgery.  Suddenly, everything in me crumpled and I felt like it was all pointless.
*stating here, I am aware that a tummy tuck is not weight loss surgery, but the amount of skin they took off of me, it'd be hard NOT to lose weight*
All of this pain, all of these sore muscles and inability to do anything active......was pointless.

He saw it.  He almost pushed me off the scale.  I know he didn't intend for that to be the result, and I know he feels just horrible about it.  He spent a good portion of time last night trying his hardest to help me come back to the land of positivity.

But all I could do was cry.  Question all my actions.
Nothing was changing on my body.  I look like a swallowed a pumpkin, I'm all bruised up, everything, basically, is horrible.

Then it spiraled into concerns about how maybe this is what I am going to look like?  I know my doctor said I was going to swell like a pumpkin.  I know she said that swelling would last for awhile.  But, what if this was it??  What if I removed the saggy lower skin just to now look like a permanent 9 month pregnant woman?

By the way, I am officially one week post op today.
In my head, I feel like I should see more of a difference than I do.
I feel like I am going to be told that I won't see much of a difference until I'm almost 4 or 5 weeks post op.

They want me to wear this smaller compression garment to help squeeze out all the extra fluids.  But it doesn't fit.  It's too large on the lower abdomen area, and by the time I get under my boobs it will barely close and I cannot breath (and all my muscles feel as if they are on fire).  So I am wearing the bigger one.....which has some compression in it but not much.  If I had my tubes out I could wear these other ones I have here that would fit me wonderfully well, and cause no issues.

Right now.  I'm having a very hard time emotionally with this.
I'm hoping that my doctor will help me with some of these issues this afternoon.

Day 5, Pictures

Yesterday was day 5 post tummy tuck.  Showering still is not an easy "do it yourself" task, so I have to plan them out, and last night was another shower night.  My second since surgery.
I'm not sure if I've explained how the whole shower situation works (as my first few posts I was on quite a few pain meds) but I basically have a stool that I sit on the entire time.  My drain tubes just sit at my feet, and my husband has a hand held shower head that he uses to rinse me off with.  Like the amazing man he is, he washes my hair, and then soaps me up, then rinses me off.  Honestly just getting into the shower and out of the shower is huge for me, everything is still so damn tiring.

I'm not supposed to "wash" my stomach area just yet.  Just soap up my shoulders, boobs, arms, upper chest, back, legs etc and then let the soapy water wash down my body.  I think the jerking motion could cause issues, I don't know, I didn't ask and don't really give enough shits to ask now.  When the tubes come out, I can start washing everything like normal, and I'm good with that.

The shower went a lot smoother than the first one, probably because I wasn't in tons of pain and knew what to expect and how it would go.  (I also got brave and felt my incision which if you know me, that's a huge thing.....I never touch my wounds)

Anyway.  I can't dry myself on the incision yet because of the damn drain tubes, so I still have to just lie there and air dry.  We decided to take a few more pics.

This is my left side.  I'm not really sure why this side is so bruised up, but holy damn. 

Right side, not so bruised, actually pretty much no bruising at all.  I am still unable to stand or sit fully erect.

This was after the shower, I can see a bit of a difference between my day 2 photo and this one (day 5).  I mean, a huge difference is that the crease underneath my bellybutton is opening up and looking more like a regular stomach.  yay!  Tubes of course are still in, and my incision still resembles the crimped edges of a pie crust.  Annnnd, I still look like I swallowed an entire pumpkin, my midsection is extremely taut and hard from all the swelling.  I am very much hoping that I see a partial reduction in the swelling soon.

This is more of a full body shot, still laying down.  For comparison I want to point out here, that previously (pre surgery) when I would lay on my back *slightly propped* I had skin that hung down and that blue towel there wouldn't have been needed.  

So these are my day 5 after shower photos.  My next doctor appointment it tomorrow afternoon and it seems likely that my tubes will be removed.  I will also be asking a few questions in regards to the swelling of my midsection and when I can expect to feel like I actually had something worthwhile done to it.  

5 Days Post Op

I woke up this morning, and didn't feel completely in pain.
As I got up to go hobble into the bathroom, I noticed that I wasn't completely hunched over, which felt like a rather large moment for me.

I decided to snap a quick picture.  Sorry for the messy background in the room, and the less than amazing look I have.  My bags are hanging from my compression garment, in case you were wondering what the white things were in front.

Being almost fully erect, I am able to see just exactly how swollen I am.  I am hoping that the majority of this will go down within the next few weeks, because right now, it looks like I am pregnant, and that's just not the look I am going for.

First Post Op Appointment

Today was my first post op appointment after surgery.

Let me start by saying that walking through the parking garage to the elevator was pretty hard.  Not pain wise, but just exhausting.  I was very winded by the time I got into the lift, and felt it was for the best if I used a wheelchair to get me from the lobby to the next elevator, to the office (and back again).

My doctor had called me this morning and stated that she was leaving early so I'd only be seeing the nurses (who are amazing).  I discussed with her the output from my drainage tubes and she said that it was possible they'd come out today.  I was really hoping they would.

I got into the office and needed to disrobe, and undoing my garment was, again, exhausting.
I'm finding it a bit irritating that every little thing I do (that should be normal) is such a drain on my body.  Anyway.  Got the garment off (well, to my knees) and they said that my incision looks great and is healing nicely.  Always what you want to hear.
However, my drainage output is just slightly too high still, and so, I go back Monday, with the possibility that they will come out then.  I'm really hoping they do....the drains are a pain.  Not a literal pain, just an extra something I have to deal with in an already bothersome situation.

My bellybutton still has this "holder" piece in it, I guess to keep it from closing up or something, I don't know.....they moved it around and it felt weird, but should be also coming out on Monday.
From the previous post, I had a picture and it showed that part of my stomach under my bellybutton area was smooshed together forming a crease.  Today part of that crease had begun to open up just a bit.....so I am led to believe that at lease a small part of swelling has gone down.  I was told that it was normal and will fade as my swelling goes down.  However, since it's summertime and so freaking hot, if it any time it begins to sweat and accumulate moisture, I am to stuff gauze inside it to avoid getting a rash or infection, or it just becoming raw.  *fun right?*

The last bit was that the garment I was wearing was too big for me.
I mean, yay.
But boo.

I had previously bought a new garment for this, because the last one I had was, in fact, too large on me....and I didn't have a new one with a hole in the bottom for bathroom usage (and drain tubes).  They moved me down a size, however, it was extremely tight and uncomfortable and dug into my skin, so when I showered the other day, I chose to put on my larger one.
Well, that just isn't going to work, because my lower abdominal area is getting no compression.  :/

They told me that what I need to do at this point, since I am still so swollen (and will be this swollen for at least another 2 weeks) is to take a folded shirt and wrap it around my upper waist to avoid the garment cutting into me, but I have to use the smaller one.  Otherwise my lower abdominal area will have a harder time going back "in".  Which would essentially make all this pointless.

Just another reason I'll be happy to have the tubes gone.  Then I can start wearing my leotard styles garment, instead of the shorts style (with open hole for bathroom usage).

Tonight I am starting all my pills on a half dose as my pain levels haven't been horrible.  I'm hoping to be off of them completely by mid next week, or at least next Saturday.  I'm not a person that enjoys being out of control of her own faculties......nor do I particularly like feeling helpless and being unable to do all the things that need to get done :/

Aw well.....recovery is what it is.  I may take a few more photos tomorrow when I go to shower, but may also wait a full week (next wednesday) to see more results.  :D

Post Op Update

Monday at 7:30am I had my tummy tuck.  Today is Thursday, so I am 3 days post op.  I was allowed to have to my first shower yesterday.  It was difficult, I had to remain seated the entire time so I wouldn't get dizzy and fall down.  My husband was amazing and washed my hair and body for me.  Honestly, I am not certain how many men out there would do what he has done after their wife had elective surgery.  He has given up sleep, slept in the living room with me, wakes up with me in the middle of the night to make sure I take my pills, washes me, changes my bandages, gets my "workstation" ready for me before he leaves for work, and while he's gone he has someone come over to sit with me and make sure I am ok.  At no point in time have I ever felt like I was a burden to him.....although I do keep apologizing because I feel like a burden to myself, and I know I am asking quite a lot of him.

But his response?  "Baby, whatever discomfort or irritation I feel, you feel it 100 times worse.  I'm here to help take some of that away"

And I fucking love him for that so much.

So, how am I doing 3 days after the tummy tuck?
Well, I don't have an intense burning sensation every time I try to move, which is nice.  That just means my muscles and skin are fusing back together relatively quickly.  Walking is still extremely slow, and takes the breath out of me, but I no longer have to stop and rest so often between the chair and bathroom.  I am extremely swollen.  EXTREMELY swollen.  I believe this is what is called "swell hell".....I look like a pumpkin basically.  This is normal, and will pass.

I still have my tubes in, but the output is very small today, so I may actually have the clear to get them removed tomorrow at my first follow up appointment.  That would make my life easier, as the tubes are a pain. They just get in the way.  But, if not, I'm sure I'll only have them for another week, as the output is so limited.

I have decided that I want to take photos to show my progress in this.  I, unfortunately, do not have any naked "before" pics of me.....but suffice it to say I was a hot mess.  Lots of sag.

My first picture is from last night, after my shower, so I was more swollen than usual.  I have to lay on the bed (at an angle) to help my incision dry, and asked my husband to snap a few photos.

As you can see, my incision goes from hip to the other, right above my pubic area.  My drain tubes are in the middle.  You can see how I am swollen, the skin in that area was extremely tight , and I am at an incline here.  I will have a new bellybutton where the top of that vertical line in (and not sure why that line is there, but Doc said it's going to look all kinds of weird for the first few weeks while my body adjusts).  I am currently slightly bigger than I was when I went in to have the surgery, and that is because of the swelling.  In 4 weeks time the swelling will be down drastically, and by 8 weeks should be almost completely gone.

My next image is my lady parts, so if you don't want to look, just go ahead and scroll down.

My upper vaginal area (called the mons pubis in medical speak) was very flabby and saggy.  My doctor did some slight lipo onto the area, and then cut lower than usual so that it would be nice and tight again (to avoid having a tight stomach area and then a saggy mons pubis which would create a very awkward look in bathing suits.

I will do another set of photos next week, hopefully I will be able to do them standing.  At this time I still finding it difficult to stand fully erect.  Once I can stand I feel that the photos will look better, and show more progress.  Plus I can do side by sides of the first and last week.

Just to say here, my highest weight was 286lbs when I went into the hospital to have my oldest daughter in 2003.  Before I got pregnant with her, I weighed 165lbs.  After her birth, I was never able to get down past 200lbs.....and I had 2 more babies (all born my cesarean) that just added to the saggy skin issue.  In 2014 I started pole dancing, when I started pole dancing in February 2014, I weighed 231lbs.  By August 2014 I was down to 214lbs.  I joined an amazing studio, started really looking at what I was eating, and upped my sessions, and got down to 180lbs.

On the day I had my tummy tuck, I was 180.  This had always been my "goal" weight after years of never breaking 200 lbs.  Reaching that goal, my reward was this tummy tuck.  I am not sure how much extra skin they took off, but they showed my the picture and it looked like about 4 hands worth (maybe more, I was quite doped up).....so I feel that after my swelling time is over, by the end of this 8 weeks process, I will probably be in the 160s again.  And, honeslty, that makes me cry tears of joy.

Almost Time

I have two days until surgery.
I spent today getting all the items I'd need immediately afterwards to make my life a bit easier.
Gauze, pillows, vitamin E oil, arnica, coconut oil, water bottles, etc.

Tomorrow I go grocery shopping for the week (like usual for a saturday), only this time ensuring I have foods that I can easily open and eat without much prep.  So, cheese sticks, salami slices, grapes, strawberries, might boil some eggs so I can eat those, sliced cucumber....just things that I can hobble in to the kitchen to snatch up, or have my oldest 2 go get for me without issue.

A friend is going to come over during the week and make meals for us.  Monday is covered as we are having leftover potato soup.  My grandmother is coming over Tuesday to drop off the kids and has suggested bringing dinner, but that would mean mcdonald's or burger king, and I don't feel like my stomach could handle something like that after this.  Mostly because I puked up chick fil a after lipo and this is more invasive and that's a whole lot greasier....

I'm starting to get worried about how I will care for our dog.  We have two smaller dogs, and they just go into the back with no issues and will stay out there for however long.  They are good dogs.  My other dog however, is an asshole, lol.  Not really, but he gets excited and will run off.  He's leash trained, so I could feasibly let my oldest walk him into the back, HOWEVER, if he sees a cat, his 60lbs will pull down my daughters 75lb frame and he'll jump the fence (he did it last time I was down).  Soooooo.  Not really sure he can go all day without going out, and I know I can't walk him the first week, maybe two.  :/
Side note here, I really fucking love this dog.  He's my buddy.

Last night I had a moment of clarity and realized that recovery may be as breezy as I was thinking.
Dumb, I know.  I'm going to have a tummy tuck and I was thinking it would be an easy time recovering???
Well, I have had 3 cesarian births, so I am no newb in the world of abdominal surgery.
But.
I was lacking a large difference between the two....
Being that a huge gap of my abdominal area will be REMOVED.  Cut the fuck off.  No more.  Gone.
And to make up for that gap, they have to pull my skin down to meet the top of my pubic area.

Um.  Deeeeerp.
This is what I signed up for.  And certainly what I want.  But in my mental preps for this, I just kinda left that tidbit OUT.  So, Monday (and for awhile after) I am going to be hobbling around like an old man.  Because my skin hasn't stretched out yet :/  Oy.
I have been reading that most people don't actually stand fully erect until almost the 2 week mark.  So they try to spend as much time sitting/lounging as possible.
Good thing I'm loaded up on podcasts, pandora is awesome, and have my netflix.  Jeez.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am going to have two drains?  That they'll be stitched into me for anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks?  FUN TIMES.  And that they need to be (you guessed it) drained?  Ew.  Ick.

A friend messaged me this morning asking if I could do a practice run on their wedding cakes on the 20th.  No.  Sorry.  I'm going to be in old man mode still, and probably crying from all the pain and irritation with these damn drains.....let's do it on the 27th, when I'm not being AS big of a baby and could at least bark orders at my husband on what to do in the kitchen while I grab my abdomen and complain about not being able to do anything and why did I feel like this was a good idea?

**Fun times ahead**

I'd get a drink, but I can't drink alcohol due to the surgery, between now and a month out.  Good lord.

Pending Surgery

I have surgery in four days.
Monday Morning.

I don't really have any fear about the surgery, or recovery.
I know that it's going to be painful.
I know that I am going to hate it and wonder why I did this.
I know that I am going to probably cry and complain.
But I also know that I am going to heal.

Last night, I was teaching level one, and generally enjoying my night.
I was laughing with my friends, and joking around, filming our routines and combos for upload.
While I watched a friend as I recorded her doing our classes combo, I suddenly fell very sad.
It hit me.
I wasn't going to be able to add on to this combo.
I wasn't going to get to work on the choreo for level one, two and three.

I am going to miss the shenanigans.
I am going to miss the complaints.
I am going to miss the snowballs.
I am going to miss so much.....

I will be unable to pole for at least four weeks.
Possibly six.
I will be able to go up to the studio before, as soon as I feel up to it.
But no pole.
And this is what I am having the hardest time with.
It's like....part of me is being removed.

When I do get the ok, I can't start back where I left off.
I have to ease into it, to avoid harming myself.
I want to cry....

I know that I want this surgery.
I know that it will help me in the long run.
But right now.....
In this exact moment in time....
I am sad that I am losing pole.

What gets me through....is my friends.
They all get it.
They've all had stints of being forced away from pole for medical reasons....
They feel the jolt of pain, the desire, the love.
The know exactly what I am going through.

Something about this comforts me.
Hearing them say they've been there, they know how hard it is.
Hearing how hard it was to stay down after her dislocated shoulder issue.
Hearing how post baby was hard because she had to sit and watch and do nothing.
Hearing how pulled muscles and torn ligaments caused tears to flow because she sat out for 3 months
And then hearing how they couldn't wait to see me after.

It's not the pain.
It's not the loss of tricks (because those will come back quickly)
All it boils down to
It's the loss of pole.
And I am sad about it.