Pending Surgery

I have surgery in four days.
Monday Morning.

I don't really have any fear about the surgery, or recovery.
I know that it's going to be painful.
I know that I am going to hate it and wonder why I did this.
I know that I am going to probably cry and complain.
But I also know that I am going to heal.

Last night, I was teaching level one, and generally enjoying my night.
I was laughing with my friends, and joking around, filming our routines and combos for upload.
While I watched a friend as I recorded her doing our classes combo, I suddenly fell very sad.
It hit me.
I wasn't going to be able to add on to this combo.
I wasn't going to get to work on the choreo for level one, two and three.

I am going to miss the shenanigans.
I am going to miss the complaints.
I am going to miss the snowballs.
I am going to miss so much.....

I will be unable to pole for at least four weeks.
Possibly six.
I will be able to go up to the studio before, as soon as I feel up to it.
But no pole.
And this is what I am having the hardest time with.
It's like....part of me is being removed.

When I do get the ok, I can't start back where I left off.
I have to ease into it, to avoid harming myself.
I want to cry....

I know that I want this surgery.
I know that it will help me in the long run.
But right now.....
In this exact moment in time....
I am sad that I am losing pole.

What gets me through....is my friends.
They all get it.
They've all had stints of being forced away from pole for medical reasons....
They feel the jolt of pain, the desire, the love.
The know exactly what I am going through.

Something about this comforts me.
Hearing them say they've been there, they know how hard it is.
Hearing how hard it was to stay down after her dislocated shoulder issue.
Hearing how post baby was hard because she had to sit and watch and do nothing.
Hearing how pulled muscles and torn ligaments caused tears to flow because she sat out for 3 months
And then hearing how they couldn't wait to see me after.

It's not the pain.
It's not the loss of tricks (because those will come back quickly)
All it boils down to
It's the loss of pole.
And I am sad about it.